i guess it wouldn’t matter how i felt about an interracial relationship. i am an interracial relationship.
idk how hot is it where everyone else lives at night. but every night i’ve been having to sleep with a shirt or shorts/pants. one or the other. with the window open, always. with the fan and a/c on all night, so i can have a blanket on even though i get hot really easily. cause if not that’s kind of awkward.
I think the reason why I’m afraid to let people get close to me is because I’m very open. I know what I am capable of. I know my expectations of myself and I get excited about things and I have this ambitious disease of thinking I can do anything and everything so I’m always trying to do anything and everything. at one time, all by myself, with no one’s help. since i try to do so many things, so many things become unfinished and new things begin & again I am excited. when i get close with people i love to share it with them. therefore after a while i feel like i not only let myself but those other people down. i’m inconsistent. with almost everything. for a while i’ve always been in denial or have rebelled against my own denial in knowing so. i’ve taken the steps in order to prepare me for medical school and i just received my promotion today at work. so i’ll be working and going to school both full time. i’m scared but very excited. i’m expecting to get my phd by 29. i’m so scared because it’s a long, hard and time consuming process. but it’s what i really want for myself. no one except people that know me know me knows that i’m really fucking smart. i’m so smart and i refuse to let any of my intelligence go to waste because of anyone or anything. so this is what i’m pushing myself to do. i don’t know how many things i have said this about and i feel like people know this about me and expect me to fail and discover something else to be excited about. this is going to be my life challenge i’m hoping and working towards overcoming. not even just for myself this time, but for my family because i seriously owe it to them, esp. my parents. i don’t have a choice and i have to do this. i’ve never been so committed or serious in my life. but i can’t tell anyone that. i can’t be taken seriously until i have things to literally prove them with. so i guess i’ll just keep to myself for now.