sometimes i wonder about the peace i’d finally be at if this all ended.
my life is such bullshit. i know i probably sound immature and stupid but that’s what this whole situation is. i still havent gone to vegas yet being 21. i’ve been before a lot but this time is different cause i wasnt legal, so obviously it wasnt the same. i know this shouldnt be a big deal, but it is because of the principle. i’ve been working my ass off all year, fucked up and got in ONE accident on my way to the gym in april. it was my fault because i didn’t have my license or insurance, and maybe i shouldnt have been driving but i already was to going to work and school for a year already so it didn’t make a difference. anyways, so my parents are pissed cause it’s so much money yet i’m working my ASS off paying a shit load of money for it, didn’t do much for my birthday and held off on a lot this whole summer because of it. i have the best hook up for vegas. only $100 bucks to stay at the cosmopolitan for 4 days, free rental, free access to clubs and bottle service and a party bus with 2 groups of my friends for 4 days straight and we all turned 21 this year. (again i know this sounds stupid and immature but idc). Like i said, im 21 now, meaning i should be grown enough to make my own financial decisions and my mom trips because the money could go towards it. ALL of my money has been going towards my accident this whole year, i still have a job and ill be going to school as well full time and my money will still be after this weekend going towards it. i don’t understand why this 100 bucks would even make a difference. she’s pretty much telling me i can’t do shit until everything is paid off, which it never will be. i might be working in debt forever but i wont get to experience this forever. i’m so annoyed, not only because of this but because she still treats me like i’m still a teenager. it’s never changing and neither will she. i feel so stupid being mad about this but i am because i did so much planning and made sure everything was paid when it was supposed to be so i can do this and she decides to fuck it up 2 days prior.
Then my sister comes in my room asking me to buy her blank cds because she’s going to Vegas because she “has to” for her bullshit fraternity where they’re just going to get wasted and call it a ‘commitment’ and ‘important’. damn i already know i’m about to go hard and get fucked up but at least i’m not bullshitting it. shes just leaving for the weekend because ever since she joined the frat they just assume she’s on her ‘commitments’ with them. i’ve been with her for her ‘commitments’. they just get fucked up every meeting. it’s such bullshit. this all is. so now she’s going, you know after she just got 2 DUI’s and kicked out of school. But it’s all good. cause she’s committed and so hardworking. you know, even though she quit and isn’t looking for a job nor is she in school or is driving. i’m over here getting my shit together and i’m the problem, as they say and it just makes me a constant ‘fuck up’ as my dad loves to say. it doesn’t make sense. like i said, bullshit.
today was my first day of yoga.
i’m obsessed. no wonder people make it apart of their lifestyles. i just went today and I already feel a difference from only an hour and a half class. it’s exactly what i need right now.
me and my really really close family friend were talking and she was telling me about how she saw a quote once that said ‘sometimes people need to go through insanity to learn more about themselves, some people need nothing to be going on to learn about themselves’ i dont know the exact words, but it’s ridiculous how opposite our lifestyles and personalities are. She’s a listener, she has a quiet mind and is OBSESSED with music. she’s very calm, goes with the flow and doesn’t do too much planning. She’s going to so much right now and has so many issues and dilemmas she’s trying to go through and is going out a lot and it’s driving her crazy cause she isn’t used to the madness. Where as I’m not as social nor am I going out as much and I’m just dealing with my issues day by day and it’s driving me CRAZY. i have no relationship, friend or social issues. I don’t have any issues with work and I’m just taking everything one at a time and honestly it’s driving me crazy because all of the pressure and different things going on is where I find comfort. I feel like we’re both being tested and learning a lot about life and ourselves because we’re both put in such different and abnormal elements right now that neither of us are used to. she’s living my pace of life and I’m living hers and we both hate it, but i feel like we’re growing so much as adults from it, and now that i’m aware of this it really helps me to calm down and enjoy my present and that i don’t have to worry about the future so much and i’m slowly adjusting and starting to enjoy it. especially since it’ll only be like this until school starts. so i’m excited and impatient for my life to be crazy again.
that’s why im so glad one of the closest people to me in my life is so opposite from me, which is why our relationship works. she knows me so well and gives me the best advice cause she’s not like me at all and sees it from a completely different view and vice versa.
this plan is taking forever, but here it is broken down.
im starting at ccc in the fall, finishing 2014 (hopefully sooner), working my ass off for a 3.5-4.0 gpa. then enrolling for csulb or cal state la or cal state northridge in 2014. i’ll finish up there in 2 years with my b.a. in biochemistry (which is the major i’m working towards now, but who knows it might change but i’m focusing on a science major). then attending medical school right after so in 2016-17. I’m giving myself 5 to 6 years. I want to be done with school by the time I’m almost 30, unless I decide to go for my masters and phd. School has always been my priority, so I’m pretty sure I’ll end up putting it before almost anything. I don’t even want to get married until I’m 30, latest 35. I always make lists and plan ahead. This is something I’ve been working on all summer, but I refuse to break it down to anyone, it’s just to myself for now and my parents and counselor or whoever may ask. I just want to stick with this and stay focused on it. I have goals to reach after that which were my first goals I made in the very beginning. This is my main way of getting to those goals. I have to get there, whatever it takes.